John Mayer on a Sunny Sunday

"Welcome to the real world", she said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
That something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
just a lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits
Maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

I don't even like John Mayer but I love this song. It kind of fits some of my thoughts here lately.

I've been talking to a really wonderful guy for the past at least month, just getting to know him and him getting to know me. I was excited to find someone I had a lot in common with, someone who was the same goals in life as me, and someone who is going somewhere with his life in his job and his ambitions.

We met up for the first time not too long ago, and things were only better there. Nothing was awkward, I felt like I could just talk to him. I love that he is intelligent and has good insight into all sorts of things.

But now here I am, 1:30 on a Sunday, and I haven't heard from him since Friday night. Mom asked me if he had text me, and I told her no. Then she asked me something that made me think "Are you upset that he hasn't text you?"

And honestly, I'm not. There is nothing in me that's upset that I haven't talked to him. I thought that I really liked this guy, and thinking about it, I still do. But I just don't feel any kind of "spark". I've heard for a long time that when you really like someone, you know, and as my Nana says "the sun shines out their ass". Haha! So I worry. I don't know if me not caring that he hasn't called or texted since Friday should bug me, or if I should take it as a sign.

I know now more than ever that I do not want to settle. I once had one of my best friends tell me that she was going to stay with a guy who wasn't even worth one breath of her time because he was the best option she had. I don't ever want to look at my life that way. I don't want to feel like my options are narrowed because it's "the best I can get". Thankfully, things ended up with my friend being so much better off, and hopefully moving towards someone who will be worth her time and love.

I know a lot of older couples who seemed just perfect for each other, happy together, and in love when they first got married or together. Then, years down the road, it just didn't add up to be enough. Their either unhappy and sucking it up and pushing on with their lives, or they're in the middle of rocky divorces. I can't even begin to list the women I know around my Mom's age who say they can't stand their lives or their husbands. It breaks my heart.

One of my Dad's best friends recently had a really rough split from his wife that involved the police and him losing his kids. Not even two months ago, I watched them hug and kiss each other acting as happy as any couple I had ever seen. Now their kids are having to pick between parents, their Mom is acting like a teenager and doing crazy stuff, and their Dad is sitting around heart broken wondering what happened to his life. How can they even recover from something like that?

So I guess my question is, can two people love each other and that be enough? Can having stuff in common with someone and having the same goals in life preserve a marriage and make for a lasting life together? Is it worth bringing kids into a mix and making them live through a mistake that wasn't their faults but hurts them all the same?

I look at my own parents- they've been married 24 years this past September. I see them love each other, fight each other, bicker, argue, kiss, make-up, etc. etc. I hope and pray that they are happy together, and they seem to me to be. Even at the worst of their arguments, they talk it all out and move on. You can tell even when they're mad that they still love each other and care, or else they wouldn't try to fix things. But now I see that more and more, that my parents are a rarity. So many parents of friends of mine have fought and never went to solve it. They just didn't care anymore to try so hard to fix things.

So then I wonder if maybe I need to just forget about things with this guy. If I don't care now, in the time when I'm supposed to be most infatuated with him, then I'm definitely not going to care in thirty years down the road when things would actually get hard (hypothetically if we were to get married... haha!). I guess I kind of feel like an odd ball in that I haven't ever really loved anyone I've dated. I've wanted to I guess, but you can't make yourself love someone.

And that's really the entire point I guess. I want to love someone with my whole heart, knowing that I will make it work with them no matter what it takes, because I never want to go through or even put my kids through some of the things I have seen happen to my parents friends lately. It's just not fair at all.

So who knows? Haha I'm going to keep praying, praying, and praying. I joked with my Mom the other day that even if I don't get married I will have kids somehow. I'm really not kidding though. I refuse to ever settle in a relationship, because the rest of my life is on the line. I don't want to end up like my Dad's friend- 45 years old, lost everything, and sitting back wondering- "Wow, where did I go wrong? And where do I go from here?"

And if this guy does eventually get back in touch with me... who knows? Maybe God has more in store in all of it. Haha! :)

P.S. Scratch that. Turns out he texts me to tell me he's going back to his ex. Haha! Guess my gut was right. And right again in the fact that it doesn't bother me. Oh well. Prince Charming, get some directions already... these jokers are getting old. :P