Friendship

The more I live, the more I am convinced that most things in life are a set up for heart break. No matter what you do, even the best things somehow end up breaking your heart.

For example: Friendship

This past year, I have really lost as many friends as I have gained, if not more. I often wonder how many true friends I have... and then I think, what is a true friend? How close can you possibly get to someone and be safe? You know, I used to have one friend that I loved dearly, but she never got too close to anyone person. She was friends with EVERYONE sure, but not really ya know? Not like the friendships that I had created for myself. She would always keep people at arm's length, and I never understood it. Our friendship doesn't exist like it used to, and sad thing is, I'm the only one that got hurt. I was the dumb one who let her closer than arms length, while she kept me in as close regard as any other Joe Smith. I really got my feelings hurt then, though not for the first time. Since I went to college, I have made some amazing new friends... but I have found that I am an overall happier person when I keep my friends at arms length. I have a handful of friends right now that I'm too attached to. I've let myself get so close to these people that when they (not if they, it will happen) let me down or treat me wrong, it's going to hurt. And that's only my fault. That's my choice. I can have a couple of really close friends who WILL hurt me that I can give my heart to, or I can have a bunch of "friends" who I won't care if they do anything against me and can live a lonelier existence. What do you do when both of your choices suck? I can either have no one, everyone, or a few people, and every way I end up being the one that loses. I wonder too if most relationships are like that... do you just KNOW you're going to get hurt sometime eventually? Can you honestly put your heart out on the line and get hurt over and over without it numbing you to everything? And everyone? I've always heard "don't make someone your priority if to them you're just an option". Well, isn't everyone an option to everyone else? This quote would make it so that everyone was always out for "#1" only, and no one would ever know what it was like to love.

I have one friend who asks me sometimes why I do the things I do and why I make time for some of the people I make time for. I wonder if she knows then what it's really like to love an imperfect person, at least as a friend. That's exactly what it's like... by choosing to love, you choose to hurt. You choose to surrender yourself to the whims of another person, who at any moment could break your heart. That's when you really have to stop and think, "Okay... I know this person is going to hurt me... is it worth it?" I wonder now if there aren't people in my life who aren't worth it. But when I say that it feels wrong. I very much believe that since my Merciful Father has forgiven me for so many wrong doings, then I owe it to him to forgive too. Forgive, forgive, forgive... and sometimes it gets hard. But I feel like I was put on this earth to be a friend and a confidante to people who need me. And in turn, I need them, which is dangerous. I have learned a lot from people who have walked in and out of my life. They have taught me what it means to be a friend.