I started thinking about it as I was sitting and talking to my Nana today. She was telling me that all she wanted when she was younger was to get married and start a family. She got married when she was 17 to a man named Claude, and after finding out that they weren't able to have kids of their own, they adopted my Mom and Uncle Terry. Claude then died of a massive heart attack when my Mom was four years old- right after he had finished building a home for his family. My Nana raised her kids on her own, and worked as hard as she possibly could to take care of her children. She worked nights, days, weekends, everything at the old Enka Plant and still barely made enough to get by supporting her kids on her own.
This got me to thinking about my own life. Me and my Nana are soooo much alike. I take after her in most of my personality for sure. People ask me all the time if I'm more like my Mom or Dad, but I'm really neither. I'm a Nana's girl. ;) So, I naturally started thinking about myself getting married. It's hard to believe that my Nana was married so young- I can't even imagine being married two years ago. I'm still waiting to really be in love. I know though that things were different then, and getting married at 17 now is very rare. Anyways, I thought about if I had taken a direction more like hers... if I had went straight to work at the best kind of job I could get and settled down with a Man and got married and worked with him to get a house and have kids. That sounds wonderful to my heart. I want soo badly to have a loving christian husband and family one day, and it's my biggest dream that I have for my life. The impatient part of my heart gets frustrated that I can't be there now... falling in love, my man proposing, getting married, getting a house, all the stuff that comes with that chosen direction. "Half of my heart is a shot-gun wedding to a bride with a paper ring". But then I see what happened to my Nana... she was left at 36 with a 3 year old son and a 4 year old daughter that she had to step up and completely support. Her husband had mostly supported their family, and in a time where life insurance and things were not as well known of and used, she was left a large pay check short with the same amount of responsibility. I look at how hard she worked, and listen to her stories about some of her most challenging obstacles and how she overcame them all... and I think about how much harder that would be in todays world. Everything costs more than it ever has, and raising a family on two sturdy pay checks is now-a-days a challenge all in its own. Back in my Nana's time, you could get a job at 17 that would be good enough to help support a family. Now, you're lucky to get more than $10.00 and hour for any job right out of high school. This is when my brain starts to talk some sense into my heart. I know that no matter how much I wanna be in love and married and with my own kids, I am doing the best possible thing for my future family by heading back to school today for another year. I know that when I do get married, if anything bad happens to my husband, I could support my children and myself if I just stick to what I've started.
It's so hard sometimes... I have friends in all walks of life who are all doing different things. Some are in school far away, others in school back at home while they work, others are married, others married and pregnant, some starting lives as single parents... so many of them I just wish I could trade shoes with for one day. I'd love to see the way my friends live and what goes on in their lives. My brain knows that even when I do get envious of some of them for being where my heart wants to be in life, I have to keep going on and do this for mine and my families future. It's weird to say it like that, but I hope that my future husband is out there too, working to make a better future for our family and each other.
I almost daily have to sit my heart down and tell it to "wait, wait, wait". I know that God has something awesome in store for me as not only a Nurse, but as a Wife, and as a Mother. He wouldn't have sent to GWU last year if he didn't. I know it's all in His plan. Sometimes I want His plan for me to hurry, but I know God doesn't work like that. I once heard from my youth pastor that God has 3 possible answers to asked prayers... Yes, No, and Wait. The hardest one to take is the third, if you ask me.
I mean all of this in no offense to anyone who has chosen a different path than I have. I don't live, think, or work like that. I believe very much in "to each their own" and KNOW that God has a different and unique path for all of us to travel down in each of our own different lives. I solely try to do what's best for me, and what is in God's unique intentions for my life.
My Nana is one of the most amazing and strong and wonderful people that I know. She gives everything she has to anyone who needs it, and would give you food out of her mouth if you were hungry. She lives her life completely for other people. Nothing is ever about her... it's all about the people she loves. She very rarely asks me for anything, but she had asked me now to stay in school and keep working and pushing forward with what I've started. "You never know what's in store for you in the next ten years" she always tells me. She's so wise and filled with life experiences that I don't know how I could ever not listen to what she tells me. Sometimes you just have to look ahead, and know that some things will never go as planned, and that you have to be as ready and prepared as you can be for everything life could throw at you.
So heart, I'm sorry. Once again you're gonna have to be put on hold. But don't worry... you have so much love and happiness ahead of you... sometimes somethings are just worth the wait.
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