Changed My Mind

So, I'm not going to use this as a diet blog after all. I wanted this blog for the reason of being able to write creatively, emotionally, etc. and I tried to turn it into something I didn't want it to be.

So, I'm back to normal blogging.

I kind of feel as if I need to vent right now. Some of it may be that my Aunt is for her first visit since June, and my hormones are all kinds of angry right now. Which brings me to my first topic- why the heck can't I just be normal? I have hurt so bad this week that it's taken my breath away when I've had pains. I have a high pain tolerance, so I know something about that isn't normal. I just got done having all this blood work and ultrasounds and exams done on me, only for the result that I'm fine. Okay, so, I started BC to try and normalize everything. Well that's when it started- the pains that have been happening on and off for a month that got bad this past week, the headaches, the dizziness, etc. I mean, I'm to the point where I'm so fed up with it I could scream! I'm never gonna be able to have kids with the way my system works... and I've been so miserable this past week I kind of wish they'd just take all of it out and I'll just plan on adopting. It makes me so beyond mad.

Second- school. I don't even know what to say. This semester is pretty easy thus far- hell week is this coming week though and I can't say I'm too excited about it. I'm so afraid I'm not going to make it though. Like I've had my strike against me, and now it's do or die. I'm just SO afraid i'll keep going and spending all of this money to get there and fall flat on my face for nothing! And I would pretty much have NOTHING. Stupid freaking GWU pretty much set me up to fail as a Freshman, and has left me now with a hugely bruised self confidence level and around 4 credits out of the like 20 I've taken. If I could have transferred somewhere (back home actually), I would have. But no. Nursing credits don't transfer. So if I don't stay at GWU it's like I never went to college in the first place. I had NO life last year... I never felt like myself at all, I was hardly ever happy, never relaxed... and all of that would count for NOTHING. I have struggled so much with whether I should just come home and try something else and save the money and the time, or keep going, knowing I'm risking it ALL- $60,000 and 2 years of my life- that can be gone in a second. I just don't know about it. I try and tell myself that's it's gonna be fine, but still I struggle. I HATE NURSING SCHOOLS. They are the most messed up things in the world... I can go to clinical, and know exactly what I'm doing and be confident in my ability to actually Nurse, surrounded by a bunch of girls who CAN'T actually nurse and have their fingers up their butts the entire time, and for some reason, they can ace tests, and I can't. So tell me GWU, world, whoever- who do you want being your nurse? Someone who can actually DO the things that she is supposed to or someone who can answer questions about them but can't do a dang thing for you? That makes a lot of sense to me.

Third- I'm not happy. I can't really figure out why... if it's just school, or me wanting to be home, or what. I have found myself just sitting around wondering what the heck I'm doing so many times that it isn't funny. Like really, what am I doing? I tell people all the time, "Life's too short to not be happy!" Well, why am I not figuring this out myself? I think a lot of it has to do with my self esteem. I read a friends blog earlier about how some days she just feels like she can get up and do it all, and the other days she can't even convince herself to walk out the door... I feel like that a lot. I like WHO I am. I have worked hard to show and live by the things that I think should be valued most in life and the things that God has set out for everyone to live by... I just don't like how I look I guess. I don't 'hate my body' or anything like that, but I feel like my outsides don't match my insides I guess. Like, I miss being an athelete- being able to go run, or play 4 softball games in a day, or pitch 7 innings and barely break a sweat... I miss who I was as an athelete. I have dreams all the time that I'm begging Mom and Dad to let me pitch again, while they're both just saying 'no, no, no'. I know I shouldn't pitch again- I know that after 2 surgeries my body is trying to tell me that it's not meant to do it. The other night on TV though I saw a guy picthing in a baseball game who had had two shoulder surgeries and was still going. I said "He's stupid, he'll just end up hurt again, blah blah blah" but boy did I envy him. I think that's another reason I feel such contempt towards nursing school- I can't be an athelete and make the grades. It's just too much. Mom and Dad tell me to play intermurals and stuff, but I'm too competetitive to enjoy them. I don't like playing in games where my team is pitied or where it's all just one big joke cause no one really cares. Like I know that sounds bad, but Mixed Forces spoiled me. I LOVED being known as the best, and teams seeking us out to see if they could beat us or hearing people complain about us being in tournaments cause we always won... there's something about that that just makes you feel powerful in a way. I guess it all comes back to my self confidence thing- as an athelete, I always had the confidence. I knew, with my MFer girls, that I was good, and that I was an essential part of the team, and now out here in the real world- I just feel as disposable as trash. No one knows who I am anymore, no one cares. I guess that's part of growing up though- unless you go on to be a pro or a star you fall into line with the rest who used to be something but had to give it up to make a life for themselves. I guess that's why I sometimes just wish I could start a family now. I know that when I do have a family, I will matter hugely to them. I won't just be whoever whatever. Now don't get me wrong- I know my family I have now (Mom, Dad, Nana, Brenna, and Chris) value me so much and love me so much... but we're all pretty much doing the same thing- just trying to work hard and get by and figure out what's next. Back again to the ego thing- that's a big reason why I want to come home! I love my family so much, and they love me so much, and at home I really do mean something. And when you mean something, you can feel it, and it makes all of the difference in the world. At school, I just feel like I'm nobody. Outside of my hall, no one cares about who I am or what I'm doing or whether or not I'm even there. GWU is a big joke in that department- "teachers that care". Not really. I've had 2 that cared and made me feel important. The rest made me feel like I was a pain in their butts.

I feel like this is making me sound like I'm not thankful for all that I have. And I sooo am. I'm so glad I got to pick what college I wanted to go to and that I went to GWU and made the amazing friends that I have made... but I'm so ready to be home. It's where I am the happiest and the most valued, and I feel like right now that's what I need. Last year has definitely left some bruises on me that I don't really realize I have til I sit down and think about it. I know it's life, and that life sucks, and that I've just gotta lean on God right now, but sometimes you just have to vent and be mad and sad and let it all just flow. I'm going to have to figure out some way to heal some of this before next semester. Maybe the key is losing some weight and getting back in shape to feel good about myself physiccally... I don't know. But I know that I am sick of this sinking dreadful feeling I have in the pit of my stomach everyday.

I wonder sometimes if I could just come home. Go to ABtech and take the core classes, try to figure out how to do nursing if that's still really what I want to do, work a job so I can pay for my own things, be around the people I love most in the entire world instead of seperating myself from them. I feel like a lot of this I'm just doing to myself- the being unhappy part. But then I know that Nursing is a wonderful career and will help me to support my own family one day. But at what cost ya know? But I know the answer to that it at a high cost. I feel like it would be selfish of me to not make the most out of what I've started at GWU and with my life. But then, how selfish would it be to keep taking all this money from Mom and Dad to get no where with it all?

Lastly- I'm talking to a really sweet guy right now. I'm sad we couldn't have met in normal circumstances, but then, a lot of people don't meet in normal circumstances. I figured when I went to college I would meet all of these people and have all of this fun and blah blah, but last year as a freshman, I only got to know the girls I lived with and the people in my classes. Now as a sophomore when I have more time when I could meet more people, the people in my class already have their "friends" and "girlfriends" and yada yada. GWU pretty much screwed me out of getting to know my own class. I thought for a while that I was being drawn to GWU to meet someone special... I don't know why... maybe the appeal of meeting guys who I didn't know everything about cause we had grown up together. So far that has turned up to be a bust. I don't put myself out there enough I guess, but the thought of doing so makes me nervous (Self esteem issue again? I think so!). Anyways, he's really nice, older, and has his life in a place where he likes it. He preaches and works a steady job. But I dunno. I feel like maybe he's in a hurry to get somewhere that I'm not necessarily ready for. I gotta figure out what I'm doing just as me before I try to throw in an "us".

Oh well. I feel better after venting. That's what I want this blog to be for. When I need someone to type "yell" at. Haha!




Life's too short to be un-happy. Find something that makes you feel worthwhile and valuable... and happy. :)